25 Horrifying Things That Will Happen
If You Don’t Buy THRILLER
1) Dan Brown will tell all his friends in the boys locker room that you hooked up with Mary Magdelaine.
2) Heather Graham will cancel your ass faster than “Emily’s Reasons Why Not.”
3) Just to piss you off, F. Paul Wilson will rename his hero “Repairman Phoebe.”
4) James Siegel will release incriminating photos from the set of "Derailed" of Jennifer Aniston and Clive Owen trying futilely to see the sailboat in the 3-D picture.
5) Eric Van Lustbader will replace Matt Damon on the next Bourne movie, "The Bourne Conundrum," with whichever Olson twin commands less money (we think it’s Ashley).
6) J.A. Konrath will legally change his name to J.A., but will only respond to the nickname “Hoss.”
7) James Patterson will drop the 38 manuscripts on your head that he has planned for publication in 2007.
8) John Rambo will take that big scary knife, and at David Morrell’s request go Benihana on your sorry ass.
9) Brad Thor will reveal his true birth name—Bryon Quertermous.
10) Lincoln and Lee will have a brutal fight to the death for final rights to the Child name.
11) Clive Cussler will finally reveal that Dirk Pitt's second favorite drink, after chilled Tequila, is chilled strawberry wine cooler.
12) John Lescroart will legally change your name so that it’s harder to pronounce than his.
13) Janet Evanovich will reveal that she is, in fact, a plum.
14) Jeffery Deaver will reveal that he is, in fact, "Star Wars"'s devious villain Grand Moff Tarkin.
15) John Sandford will come to your home and play "Bohemian Rhapsody" using only your dishware for seventeen hours.
16) Alex Kava will take on a pseudonym that's much more difficult to pronounce—John Lescroart.
17) Faye and Jonathan Kellerman will reveal the rest of the long-lost Kellerman brood: Dopey, Sleepy, Bashful, Snotty, Snoozy, Rashy, Florence and Bill Kellerman.
18) Lauren Weisberger will finally come clean, and reveal that the villain in THE DEVIL WEARS PRADA was actually modeled on Sarah Weinman.
19) Just for kicks, Ted Bell will swap names with Duane Swierczynski.
20) M.J. Rose will break down in tears after announcing that she has never, in fact, used the Internet.
21) Cornelia Read will have to explain how she got the Coney Island Ferris Wheel from "The Warriors" to appear on the cover of A FIELD OF DARKNESS.
22) Mary Higgins Clark will drink an entire bottle of absinthe and swear like a legion of pissed off sailors.
23) Steve Berry will reveal that The Amber Room is actually a Port-O-Potty in Hackensack, New Jersey.
24) Katherine Neville will publish THE EIGHT AND A HALF as well as THE EIGHT AND THREE QUARTERS, but never release THE NINE.
25) Barry Eisler will admit that he loaned his hair to Tom Hanks for the filming of "The Da Vinci Code"
If You Don’t Buy THRILLER
1) Dan Brown will tell all his friends in the boys locker room that you hooked up with Mary Magdelaine.
2) Heather Graham will cancel your ass faster than “Emily’s Reasons Why Not.”
3) Just to piss you off, F. Paul Wilson will rename his hero “Repairman Phoebe.”
4) James Siegel will release incriminating photos from the set of "Derailed" of Jennifer Aniston and Clive Owen trying futilely to see the sailboat in the 3-D picture.
5) Eric Van Lustbader will replace Matt Damon on the next Bourne movie, "The Bourne Conundrum," with whichever Olson twin commands less money (we think it’s Ashley).
6) J.A. Konrath will legally change his name to J.A., but will only respond to the nickname “Hoss.”
7) James Patterson will drop the 38 manuscripts on your head that he has planned for publication in 2007.
8) John Rambo will take that big scary knife, and at David Morrell’s request go Benihana on your sorry ass.
9) Brad Thor will reveal his true birth name—Bryon Quertermous.
10) Lincoln and Lee will have a brutal fight to the death for final rights to the Child name.
11) Clive Cussler will finally reveal that Dirk Pitt's second favorite drink, after chilled Tequila, is chilled strawberry wine cooler.
12) John Lescroart will legally change your name so that it’s harder to pronounce than his.
13) Janet Evanovich will reveal that she is, in fact, a plum.
14) Jeffery Deaver will reveal that he is, in fact, "Star Wars"'s devious villain Grand Moff Tarkin.
15) John Sandford will come to your home and play "Bohemian Rhapsody" using only your dishware for seventeen hours.
16) Alex Kava will take on a pseudonym that's much more difficult to pronounce—John Lescroart.
17) Faye and Jonathan Kellerman will reveal the rest of the long-lost Kellerman brood: Dopey, Sleepy, Bashful, Snotty, Snoozy, Rashy, Florence and Bill Kellerman.
18) Lauren Weisberger will finally come clean, and reveal that the villain in THE DEVIL WEARS PRADA was actually modeled on Sarah Weinman.
19) Just for kicks, Ted Bell will swap names with Duane Swierczynski.
20) M.J. Rose will break down in tears after announcing that she has never, in fact, used the Internet.
21) Cornelia Read will have to explain how she got the Coney Island Ferris Wheel from "The Warriors" to appear on the cover of A FIELD OF DARKNESS.
22) Mary Higgins Clark will drink an entire bottle of absinthe and swear like a legion of pissed off sailors.
23) Steve Berry will reveal that The Amber Room is actually a Port-O-Potty in Hackensack, New Jersey.
24) Katherine Neville will publish THE EIGHT AND A HALF as well as THE EIGHT AND THREE QUARTERS, but never release THE NINE.
25) Barry Eisler will admit that he loaned his hair to Tom Hanks for the filming of "The Da Vinci Code"
posted by Jason Pinter at
10:32 AM
13 Comments:
That's too terrifying to even comprehend.
Shudder.
Top Ten Nicknames JA Rejected Prior to Embracing "Hoss"
10. Lumpy
9. Stubby
8. Puddles
7. Linda
6. Skid Marks
5. Drooly
4. Lividity
3. Miss Snark
2. Snaps
1. Bryon Quertermous
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Will someone please come pick me up off the floor? I'm laughing too hard to get up. Priceless, Jason. Absolutely priceless. This should be the foreword!
(Do to a horrifying lack of ability to type today, previous posts have been deleted. I'm going to hang it up)
Am I the only one who finds that their ability to spell and use correct grammar disappears when commenting on blogs?
Awesome post, Jason! And it would have made me buy the book, if I hadn't just spent a day and a half ranting about Christopher Rice...
I have incriminating photographs of the Ferris wheel and an underage Tilt-a-Whirl. Ferris had no choice.
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Good article. Thank you.
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