Thursday, May 04, 2006

Author Discussing New Book With His Editor

"Hey Bill, it's me, your favorite author. I thought I'd run some ideas by you for my new novel since I know you guys have another under contract. It's about a cop..."

"Whoa, hold on there. I'm pretty sure there have been novels about cops before. Might want to go with something a little, you know, different."

"Um, ok. It's about a guy who..."

"You know, a lot of books have had 'guys' as their protagonists. We don't want people thinking you stole their ideas, right?"

"Er, right. So it's about this woman who..."

"You see, here's the thing. Men don't buy books about women, and too many women are already buying books about women. So I'm not sure this is territory you want to mess with."

"Um, ok. So we've got these two people..."

"Books about duos are so out. Nobody likes a sitcom with only two people."

"There's a threesome..."

"Don't say that word, or Wal-Mart won't touch your book with a ten foot pole."

"Quartet?"

"Now we're talking."

"Ok, it's about a quartet of men...no, women...no, children who solve crimes..."

"Nobody likes reading books about solving crimes anymore. Don't you watch 'The Sopranos?' People like dark, conflicted characters."

"But they're children."

"Your point?"

"Ok, it's about a quartet of children...transvestite children..."

"Now we're talking."

"...who kill people for fun..."

"Keep going..."

"Don't take no crap from anybody..."

"Eh, too stale."

"Take some crap from people..."

"Better."

"...and have to solve, no wait, commit a terrible murder..."

"Lots of writers have murders in their books. Think of something original."

"Commit a terrible...um...carjacking?"

"I like it."

"Quartet of transvestite children who commit a carjacking, but are hunted by a fanatic cop..."

"What did I say about cops?"

"Hunted by a fanatic...garbageman..."

"Smells like a hit..."

"And eventually have a climactic battle..."

"Can you say cliché?"

"Climactic, er, discussion..."

"A frank discussion?"

"Yes, a frank discussion...about, um, global warming."

"A book with a message! I like it! We'll publish in the summer. People like to read books in the summer. Deal?"

"Yeah. Deal."

9 Comments:

Blogger JA Konrath said...

Garbagemen are so twenty minutes ago.

Make it an insane crab fisherman.

Then you can call it "Crabjacker."

And the car the children steal has to be a Trans Am.

2:33 PM  
Blogger Jason said...

That's the title right there:

CRABJACKER:
A Novel of Frank Discussion

Though Wal-mart might have a word or two to say about that...

And if I can channel Dave Barry for a moment, "Frank Discussion" sounds like a good name for a band.

2:59 PM  
Blogger December Quinn said...

Okay, I had a comment I thought was funny but I can't beat "Crabjacker: A Novel of Frank Discussion".

3:06 PM  
Blogger JA Konrath said...

The sales reps can use the tagline: "Got Crabs?" or "Get Jacked."

I also think it should have a disclaimer on the cover that says: "Written by a lying plagiarizing imposter" to avoid all future lawsuits, recalls, and revelations.

Also, the cover should be black. Because black is the new black.

And maybe a bunny.

3:26 PM  
Blogger Jason said...

Ha! The logo creates itself.

I do think bunnies are the new, new black. Or perhaps ducks.

3:41 PM  
Blogger moonhart said...

Jason, you and Joe outta take this show on the road.

LOL!

moon

9:00 AM  
Blogger M. G. Tarquini said...

Hey! Where'd you get my storyline?

I'll sue, I tell you. Sue sue SUE!

11:01 AM  
Blogger Jason said...

We're actually signed up for a 30-city tour of amusement parks around the country.

I'll be here all week. Try the veal.

11:26 AM  
Blogger S. W. Vaughn said...

Sheesh, JA visits you too? I'm so green. :-)

This is one hilarous post. Makes me even more anxious to buy your book. Good luck with the revisions!

4:56 PM  

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